My Fair 'Lady'
by Sarryn
Summary: Mille plays the lord to Carrot's--lady? Mi/C (Slash)


Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to Sorcerer Hunters, but that hasn't stopped me from writing about them.

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Warning: This story contains the themes of mild violence and sex, and male/male relationships. If any of these may offend you then stop reading. If, however, you do read this, in spite of my warnings, and find it offensive then I have to say it is your own fault. Some scenes are of an erotic nature, but I have attempted to write them as tastefully as my ability allows.

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Note: I will not accept any flames, however, comments and criticisms are welcome. I am under the assumption that anyone reading this has a clear understanding of the difference between flames and criticisms so I don't have to explain it. Here are some reason why I don't accept flames: **1) **they generally include an attack on the author's character without regard to previous or future works that may or may not be in the same vein, **2)** not only are they childish, but they make the writer of them sound immature and not old enough to read the material contained herein, **3)** flames help neither the author nor the flamer to improve the work and, therefore, are not constructive, **4)** if something is so offensive as to elicit the impulse to flame then it is better forgotten and not dwelled upon, **5) **you waste time writing it and I waste time reading and then deleting it, **6)** it won't do you any good to point out my lack of scruples, morals, intelligence, sanity, etc., because not only don't I care, but I won't listen.

So, anyway, please review and no flames.

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Long ago, in actuality only about seventeen years, a spry young sorcerer, whom had lost most of his hair, set out on a journey to gain enough power to ensure that his small, relatively, patch of land would never be taken away. After traveling for many months he came upon a most fearsome monster. Being courageous in the way of all chronic cowards, he shrieked like a small child and attempted to flee. Unfortunately, the monster soon overtook him, which wouldn't even be difficult for someone who had lost both legs and arms in a horrific accident. Finding some hitherto unknown, and never to be seen again, power, he blasted the monster into oblivion, or rather stunned it long enough for him to climb into a tree and wait it out. 

Incidentally, his bumbling attracted the attention of another, far more powerful sorcerer. Said powerful sorcerer offered the less powerful one a deal. The sorcerer offered the inept man the ability to protect his territory in exchange for the being born to his household on the anniversary of their meeting in a years time, though he wouldn't collect until seventeen more years had passed. The younger sorcerer agreed without thinking. The other sorcerer smiled and vanished. 

Unfortunately, the young sorcerer's wife gave birth to a rather indifferently attractive girl at exactly twelve in the morning of the pact. Seventeen years passed. The deal was forgotten by the, by now aged, sorcerer, but the other one didn't forget. It was time to find the heroes of this tale. 

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My Fair 'Lady'

A sulky vision in layers of pleated lavender silk over half-a-dozen stiff petticoats, Carrot Glace pouted and reiterated his rather forceful opinion on the whole issue of his change of clothing. However, much to his credit, he restrained the overwhelming urge to rip off the confoundedly puffy dress, crumple it into a wad of cloth and stomp it into oblivion. So he stood rigidly on a little stool while the seamstress added little 'necessary' touches here and there. For the life of him he couldn't see how an extra flounce or bow was going to improve the thing.

"Okay, I know why I'm here and in a dress," Carrot said glaring about the room. "But I still have one question: why the hell is _he_ here?" His brown eyes settled upon the mirthful figure sitting on a window seat at the other end of the room. He glowered darkly. The person waved cheerfully in response. 

"Is Carrot-dear upset with me?" Mille Feuille inquired with mock hurt. To the further frustration of the toiling seamstress, the boy whirled away and pointed an accusatory finger at the giggling Misu sisters.

"Who invited him?"

"The Pinots say that their daughter, Lady Pegotia, was going to be married before the evil sorcerer reminded them of his pervious claim," Tira Misu answered in prolonged frustration. "The wedding was going to occur on the Lady's birthday. Incidentally, the sorcerer is going to arrive approximately thirty minutes into the ceremony for fun. Big Mama thought it prudent to only involve the minimum number of innocents so Lady Pegotia's real wedding has been rescheduled. This is only for show."

"But why him?" Carrot continued stamping his foot. 

"I am playing the role of your lady in waiting, niisan," a similarly dressed Marron Glace replied mildly. Carefully he smoothed out the cascading panels of his cream-colored gown. "Otherwise I would have volunteered."

"What about one of the other Haz Knights? Chiffon or Kahlua?"

  
"They never leave Big Mama's side unless the situation becomes too much for any of us to handle," Tira answered tartly. 

"I hate myself for even thinking this, but what about that blonde meathead, Gateau?"

"Darling, stop and think for just a second." Chocolat Misu grabbed him by the plunging neckline of the dress and dragged him close. The boy screamed rape and struggled until he saw that the girl was dead serious. "Finally. Anyway, Gateau got leave from Big Mama to spend two weeks with his little sister without worrying about being a Sorcerer Hunter. Do you think it would be fair to drag him away from Éclair when they finally get some family bonding time after years of being separated? How would you like that, Carrot, if, after having been separated from Marron for that long, you get a chance to catch up only to find that, sorry, but you can't?" The boy flushed and avoided the exasperated girl's burning eyes. "What did you say?"

"I said 'I wouldn't like that,' okay?" he groused prying Chocolat's fingers off the dress.

"Just making sure you understand, Darling." 

"These guys are sorcerers, anyway. Why do they need our help?"

Unaware that Mille had used the time during Chocolat's tirade to sneak up behind him, Carrot shrieked when he found himself tipped back into a dancer's dip. The Haz Knight grinned impishly down at him and dipped him further. Frantically the boy clawed at the arm locked about his waist and tried to heave himself upwards. Mille wasn't ready to release him, though.

"We match, Carrot-dear!" the purple-haired man exclaimed in whimsical delight. 

"Gah!"

"They're really only a step above parsoners, love," he continued seriously. "They would be slaughtered."

"Well…"

"Are you really so set against me playing the suitor, hm? Why is that?"

"You're a guy!" the boy wailed, wide-eyed. A burning blush darkened his cheeks. 

"And you are supposed to be Lady Pegotia. I don't perceive a problem."

"But I'm still a guy! That hasn't changed."

"As I said, I don't perceive a problem," Mille replied wickedly, leaning closer. The blush staining Carrot's cheeks burned down his throat and neck and colored his ears.

"Carrot!"

"Darling!"

"You pervert!" the Misus screamed in unison as they pushed him out of the man's arms.

"Oh my," the Haz Knight exclaimed with a laugh at the sight of Carrot half sprawled across the frustrated seamstress. 

"I can't believe you," Chocolat cried angrily.

"Not with guys!" Tira raged. Carrot looked bruised and confused. 

"Will you get off?" the seamstress hissed. With great difficulty the boy struggled back onto the low stool so that the aged woman could repair all the damage incurred in a space of a couple of minutes. She muttered angrily beneath her breath. 

"Thank you so much, Carrotsama!" Lady Pegotia Pinot cried with equal parts excitement and coy embarrassment. "I feel so much safer with you impersonating me!" The vacuous brunette, who did possess an unsettling resemblance to the unfortunate boy, clapped her hands as she gushed further appreciation.

"We-ell, you know, just doing my job, pretty lady," Carrot exclaimed, jumping off the stool to clasp the young woman's hands. "In reward do you think you could—" Twin fists pounded him into the high polish of the wood floor. Tira and Chocolat Misu stood over the flattened boy holding vengeful fists towards him.

"Darling!"

"Carrot!"

Lad Pegotia giggled nervously at the show of violence and flounced over to her mother's side. Cautiously she wondered aloud if the poor boy would be all right. Her mother promptly assured her that he was fine. Even as she spoke, Carrot pried himself off the floor and hopped back onto the stool so the irate seamstress could finish. Tira and Chocolat guarded him against further declarations of love or attempts at debauchery. 

Still muttering, the seamstress used several purple silk roses to gather up sections of the hem to reveal the delicate, eggplant purple petticoats underneath. Then she added a few more lengths of lace and some silk leaves. With a satisfied grunt she unbent and declared her work done for the day. Lady Pegotia's mother, Lady Pinot, thanked the elderly lady and promised that her footman would pay her at the door. 

"And please don't mention this to anyone, Marigold. If anyone asks, just say you're hemming one of my daughter's dresses."

"Of course, m'lady." The seamstress bowed awkwardly and gathered her supplies together before leaving. 

"Mother!" Lady Pegotia exclaimed in hysterical excitement upon the woman's exit. "There's something not right!"

"What is it, Peggy?" Lady Pinot asked soothingly. The flighty girl marched up to Carrot and poked his chest. He began giggling girlishly as several naughty thoughts began to bubble through his mind. However, Tira's mallet squashed further lecherous thoughts.

"I have much bigger breasts!" To demonstrate she grabbed hers and thrust them forward for inspection by anyone who wanted to. Before Carrot could do or say anything the Misu sister's sent him crashing into a nearby wall. 

"Of course you do, Peggy. You are a girl."

"But mother, he's supposed to look like me." The girl's wide brown eyes began to tear up. Her brow furrowed, creasing her sorcerer's mark, in preparation for the coming flood. Lady Pinot sighed gustily and strode over to the much-abused boy. Carrot, having missed most of the conversation due to his trip into the wall, blinked confusedly at her as bits of plaster peppered his black hair. The woman hissed a few words in a guttural voice and raised one imperious, faintly glowing finger to point at the much-contested chest of the boy.

A communal gasp filled the room as Carrot's chest swelled to strain against the tight bodice of the dress. He shrieked in horror and grabbed the strange objects only to find them quite real.

"You gave me tits!" he wailed. Frantically he made sure his masculinity remained intact. He sighed in relief. Then he remembered his extra baggage. "You gave me tits!"

"Oh thank you mother!" With a happy squeal Lady Pegotia did a small jig about the shell-shocked boy. Tira and Chocolat gaped and between them they couldn't form a coherent sentence. Marron simply look stunned. 

"Oh my," Mille chuckled. 

"Again, thank you so much, Carrotsama. You are truly generous and brave." She placed a chaste kiss on his cheek and whirled out of the room. The fact that Carrot didn't even respond to the willing show of affection from an unfamiliar female proved how far-gone he was. He slumped against the wall, still holding his newfound bosom, and began muttering a string of denials intermixed with curses.

"Ma'am, next time I would be more cautious when using magic on my niisan," Marron said quietly. "If it had even the barest trace of attack magic in it, things would have become unpleasant."

"Oh dear. Well, fortunately there wasn't. This is simply a beautification spell, only slightly stronger than glamour magic. His new…ah…bust will fade over the course of the next two weeks and then he'll be back to normal."

"That should prove a relief." By this time Tira and Chocolat had surmounted their shock and fallen into hysterical giggles. Carrot stared blankly at his improved chest. 

"Poor Carrot-dear." Determined to console the boy, Mille sidled up to him. Carrot sensed the imminent approach of his molester and roused himself from his stupefaction. He raced out of the room followed closely by a tenacious Haz Knight. 

Marron sighed and adjusted one ruffled sleeve. At least Lady Pinot had decided he didn't require a matching set to compliment his brother's. The dress was bad enough, but he put up with it because it was the only way he could protect 'Lady Pegotia' without causing a stir with visiting paragons of decorous behavior. 

"Darling's got…"

"They're bigger than…" The two girls stared at each other and then broke down again. 

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From Sarryn:

This is my whimsical contribution to the much-underrepresented MillexCarrot pairing ficcies. I have noticed, in the course of my writings, several wistful comments upon the aforementioned lack. I have taken it into my twisted and somewhat mushy brain to type up a few (read that as two). I hope a majority (for it would be, indeed, foolish to ask this of everyone) enjoy this and would be so kind as to leave a review (not flames) to let me know that this has been read.

On another, rather distressing, note, I have become concerned with the startling degree of immaturity found in my collection of previous works. I find this discovery unsettling and rather discouraging. However, I have no intention of discontinuing the stories I'm currently working on. Never fear that. The only reason I mention this concern is that I seek help (though I'm not immune to blatant flattery, it would most likely give me a false sense of pride). I would greatly appreciate it if other writers would kindly share tips and, though it may be too much to hope, remedies for my writing. 

Post Script (yes, I am aware that this is not a letter). Review.

Much Love,

S-girl

Contact: SylverSylph@aol.com


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